Outliving Our Children. The Club No One Wants To Be In
Death is always a guarantee. This sounds so easy to comprehend but extremely hard to imagine. Easy to say but hard to wrap your mind and heart around8,765 days ago my baby girl died. On paper this looks like a signifignant amount of time. It is. But to answer one woman’s insenstive question I over heard once “No, I will never get over it”.Amira. This was, is her name. My beautiful dark haired chubby baby girl. Born with a “minor” heart defect. So minor the surgeons all raved about the succes rate. 95%. I guess there is one thing I wasn’t successful at. Praying for my baby girl’s heart to be healed.It did not end there.I have also outlived one of my sons.My daughter Amira was 10 days old and my son Luke was 28 weeks in utero. Some could argue that they were “just” babies. This does not make it any easier. I wish people would take this phrase out of their vocabulary. It makes no sense and doesn’t “compute”. Another one of my “non favorite” things said to me more often than not “ You’re young, you can have more, you can “try” for another”.I felt the flutters of their kicks as I was reminded daily I am not alone in this world. They are relying on me to keep them safe and healthy. I was going to be their mother. I AM their mother.The dreams I had for them. To grow up laughing, joyous. Making many friends and memories. To see them graduate. Dance in the kitchen. Maybe marry one day…What I learned was that that I am not in control. As much as I prayed every night to be a wonderful mother, my dreams were shattered as I watched not one but two of my babies pass on into another life. Selfishly mourning their deaths. Gone way too early for me.I have encountered amazing people that seem to come out of no where as I went down the road of my sadness. So many woman and men opening up about their tradegies. Their loss of life. Our babies, our children, regardless of their age taking our hearts with them as they go onto place we do not know of. We are united. We are together in this club. This club we wish no no else to join.Take a positive out a negative I have taught my living son. The one lesson he keeps close to his mind and heart when he experiences hardship…The positive that I allow myself to absorb on a daily basis is my beautiful healthy son is alive. I remember to tell him each and every time I see that I love him. I truly love him unconditionaly. No matter what the day brings, he never leaves without “I LOVE YOU SON” from me, looking him in his eyes and said with a geniune heart. I allow myself the knowledge that at any moment of any day life can change drastically. I let myself have a grateful heart for all I have. I can not continue down a road of “why me?!”I am at peace when I step out into the day, breathing in the air and exhaling long and deep knowing that there is an answer to this life and all the bends in it and I will see my sweet babies once again…I heard a whisper that tragic day Amira died (and I will swear by it). It reassured me that I will one day see her again…soon or later whenever the time calls for it…