50 + 1

MY BIRTHDAYEvery year, I analyze the things I am proud of and the things I would like to change.Of course, we have all heard the “where do you see yourself in 1, 5, 10 years” questions. I take these talks with myself very seriously.I am now 50 plus 1. 51.Last year was an epic year. Like it should be. 50. Half a century. 5 decades. If we are lucky, this is middle age. If not this is old age.Last year, just one day shy of being 50, I became engaged. Throwing myself into my 50th year full of plans. Big, life-altering plans. Marriage, long vacations, merging of households, long work commutes, perhaps semi-retirement, remodeling of homes, and throwing in major diseases and mental depression of close ones needing my attention. I rode the wave of “God's plans are certainly better than mine” theory… This was confirmed.Now on to this year, 51 years orbiting around the sun. I keep on trekking with my goals, dreams, and ambitions.Let me share them with you. If you care to pause and read for a moment. I hope that they may inspire you a little, a lot or simply give you a chuckle because you can relate somehow.1. I WILL (finally ) stop obsessing about my weight and the number that shows up on the scale, no longer will I stand on it twice a day. My sweet sweet husband muttered a sigh of relief, a “Oh thank God” whispered under his breath when I told him this. I have racked my brain about why I am obsessed with a certain number on my bathroom scale… I know “WHY” but it’s getting past the why that had me perplexed. My mother, who is such a great, loving kind mom was heavy all her life, including as a young child growing up. Growing up I was thin, taking after my dad. My mother was elated by this fact. Telling me how pretty I was because I was thin. People will love me because I was thin. I will get farther in life because I am thin. People will know me because I am thin. Tragically she thought she was doing me a favor, complimenting me for “achieving” something she struggled all her life with. Not knowing she was placing a seed that would grow thick and deep, a seed called self-loathing. Fear of not being thin or thin enough, No one would love me, think I was pretty or would ever achieve success. This is wrong, false, borderline evil. I look around at all the beautiful people, of all shapes, sizes, ages, and genders. I smile. It’s not about the scale in the bathroom but about the size of the heart. What I WILL do is continue to eat well, run if my body will continue to allow it. Do my planks every day because I enjoy the challenge of them. I will enjoy my health, eat yummy food because I have prepared it with love, and be grateful for the company of my loved ones.2. Eliminate the word “dislike”. When I first started dating my husband he told me how he doesn’t like the word “hate” and how tries his best to not use it … ever. It got me thinking and listening to my own voice, I was surprised at how much I used it. Sometimes simply. “ I HATE spinach”. (Nah I don’t, just an example). But it started sounding so aggressive and ugly, so I eliminated it. Now, I am upping our game and doing away with “dislike”. For every negative situation, I challenge myself to turn it around into a positive. Such as “ I don’t like the rain today”…. To : “ I can’t wait for the sun, everything will be green again.” I know this may take some time but I’m willing to make this world a more positive place one sentence at a time if I can.3. Give up control. Big one for me! I have taught my son to only control the things we can control. I don’t listen to my own advice. I lay awake at night and wonder about all the things that could go wrong, big or small in the days ahead. No more! Now as I close my eyes, I tell myself “ I don’t think this way any longer, It’s going to be what it’s going to be and the sooner that I come to terms with giving up control, the sooner I will be at peace...over all situations.”4. Patience. I am a go-getter! Wowza… Do I have a lot of pride in this title.I recently determined that this isn’t always everyone’s jam and may not be the best way to live life.To slow down and enjoy moments instead of leaping to the next. Always looking ahead may not be really enjoying the journey… It’s just getting sh$t done.To take every moment as it comes and realize that every day has a sunrise and sunset regardless of how much I get done, what truly matters is how much I have enjoyed the in-between.5. No Alcohol. Did you know that you don’t have to be labeled an alcoholic to give up alcohol?But, I must give credit where credit is due, someone very close to me gave up drinking. It turned out he needed to. It was a rough ride of detoxing. Touch and go, confused about when to go to the ER, days and nights of sweating, hallucinations, coughing blood, struggling to rid his body of the poison and claw his way back to sobriety, Once it was gone, every drop out of his body, he didn’t look back. Face full of life, the glow of happiness returned. What an incredible accomplishment. In honor of him no alcohol for me also.But also to enjoy being 100% in touch with all my senses and really feeling life as it comes my way. No help from a cold glass of IPA on a hot summer's night or a small festive dry red wine on a cold winter's Eve. I want to experience what it would feel like to be healthy, happy, and truly myself… one year y’all. One year.